The Hidden Impact of Saying “Maybe” to Invitations
Science has just demonstrated something that we all intuited but no one wanted to admit: when you respond “maybe” to an invitation, You are not being polite. You are being selfish.
A study published in Science Direct and brought to light by Causes and Chances explains that hosts actually prefer a firm “no” over an ambiguous “maybe.” The reasoning is simple: the “maybe” forces them to grapple with two simultaneous planning scenarios:
- Should I reserve a table for five or six?
- Should I buy food for eight or nine?
- Do I leave time for questions from twelve people or eighteen?
That uncertainty is not courtesy; it is a burden that we transfer to others. Those who answer “maybe” operate under a systematic illusion:
- They believe they are showing interest, imagining that their indecision is better than outright rejection.
- But the data reveals the opposite: Hosts feel more respected with a “no” than with a “maybe.”
There’s something revealing here: we often confuse keeping our options open with being thoughtful, when in fact we are exporting our own indecision as a problem to others. We transfer our predicament (fearing rudeness or the need to make a decision) to the host (how am I going to plan the event if there are 10 yeses and 24 maybes?).
The study identifies a classic example of motivated reasoning at play:
- We respond “maybe” because it suits our convenience (we want to retain the freedom to decide later).
- We then rationalize that selfish decision as if it were what the other person prefers.
This self-deception is so common that we often fail to notice it. We project our preferences over others, conveniently ignoring the fact that we are prioritizing our flexibility at the expense of the host’s planning.
The practical implication is clear: if you’re going to answer “maybe,” it better be because you truly need time to figure something out—not merely because you want to see if something better comes along, or because saying “no” feels uncomfortable.
The “maybe” has a cost that is ultimately paid by whoever extends the invitation. The next time we receive a calendar invitation, we should pause and ask ourselves whether we are being thoughtful or merely covering our backs. The answer might leave us feeling uneasy.
Understanding the dynamics of our responses to social invitations can lead us to more respectful and considerate interactions. By acknowledging that “maybe” can burden our hosts with unnecessary uncertainty, we equip ourselves to make more informed choices that consider the feelings and expectations of others—conversations that matter and relationships that flourish.