Does death by suicide signify a farewell?

Human beings are as much  material  as they are  symbolic . Death is not just a biological process; the  experience of grief  has been culturally conceptualized as the metaphor for saying goodbye to our loved ones. Perhaps it is time to reconsider how we experience death and the adaptation processes within our close family and social environment.

Grief is a natural process of adapting to a  significant emotional loss  that affects all levels of a person:  behavioral, emotional, cognitive, relational, and spiritual . Death disrupts routines and attachments that provide security, confronts us with new challenges, and makes us connect with the deepest part of our solitude, metaphorically returning us to the moment of birth with the cutting of the umbilical cord as the first grief.

“Death disrupts routines and attachments that provide security, confronting us with new challenges.”

Coping with grief properly involves an active process that represents a  change in the relationship  with the deceased. This relationship shifts from being material to symbolic. The loved one disappears only in physical form but leaves an indelible mark on the lives of those who survive them. Therefore, the death of our loved ones does not truly signify a goodbye but rather a  symbolic repositioning  of them in our lives.

Consequently, grief is a  painful process , but we cannot consider it inherently pathological. It represents a process of readaptation and reconstruction that can also lead to a greater appreciation for life, personal growth, strengthened relationships, and changes in priorities and values ( post-traumatic growth ). The profound emotions related to the phenomenon of loss are the pathway to  acceptance . Its aversive component, in a world accustomed to the pursuit of pleasure and hedonism, leads us to perceive it as something negative rather than recognizing it as a  fundamental fact of life  that we will inevitably face.

A small child understands that when an object disappears from their view, it ceases to exist. However, as they mature, a concept known as  “object permanence,”  as described by Piaget, is established. This ability includes learning about the independent existence of our caregivers, regardless of our sensory perceptions. This may explain our resistance to understanding that death signifies the end of our body in its material form. It is also a way to perceive that  death is not the end but a new form of relational bonding  that allows them to symbolically remain with us. The death of a loved one resembles the feeling of someone who has lost a limb but still feels its presence despite the reality of loss (phantom limb).

What Differentiates Grief from Suicide?

The reason grief from suicide can  linger  is multifactorial. A person’s death by suicide has a critical distinction from other causes; the agent causing the death is themselves. It appears to result from a more or less deliberate decision, which is not free from various pressures.  Suicide is not merely an individual phenomenon but a social one . Life should be worth living.

“Suicide is not merely an individual phenomenon, but a social one.”

This form of death is seen as  unnatural, even anti-natural , and is surrounded by  stigma and taboo . Grief from suicide is an  unauthorized grief . Many families have had to live with concealing the cause of death of their loved one. Emotions such as guilt, shame, anger, impotence, and even relief—due to the end of a suffering situation—find it hard to express in a society more concerned with an  immodest exhibition of overflowing emotions  than with understanding.

The ignorance surrounding the phenomenon of suicide has led society to link this type of death to a  moral perspective  with explanations ranging from the magical to the supernatural. It has long been considered abnormal behavior, sinful from a religious standpoint, and even punishable. Historically, it has been explained as a kind of “curse” caused by the weaknesses of the family or the suicidal individual, far from the social and public health perspective in which it should be framed.

Suicide is a sudden, unexpected, and violent death. The person grieving this loss feels powerless, entering a shock that paralyzes them. The pain can be so immense that the body goes numb. Death represents an affront to the  attachments and bonds  with our loved ones, particularly when it is inexplicable.

“Every suicide death, in its complexity, hides social variables that, while not its cause, become its precipitants.”

However, this inexplicability of behavior stems from ignorance and a  lack of literacy in mental health and suicide . The phenomenon of suicide is explicable through various theories, even though cultural weight leads us to get distracted by quasi-magical explanations devoid of scientific basis for this inherently human behavior, which has accompanied us in various epochs of our evolution (the first recorded note of suicide is inscribed on a papyrus from ancient Egypt).

In this context, suicide being a preventable behavior turns every death by suicide into a social failure that affects us all in one way or another. Each suicide hides a social death rooted in the network of social pressures that can drive a person to end their life, feeling burdensome or alone, and having traversed the path of losing the fear of pain and death, as described by Joiner in his interpersonal theory of suicide.

Understanding Pain

People who have abruptly lost a loved one to suicide need to  talk about them , remember them, and understand what occurred. At times, they will want to discuss the circumstances surrounding the event. The day after a suicide brings many questions that take the form of ruminations:  What did I do wrong? Why did this happen to me? What did I fail to do to prevent this?  They may experience intense emotions that can block them, destabilizing their life project, religious and spiritual beliefs, and even their sense of existence. They need to isolate themselves and share their pain with someone empathetic to what has occurred.

Empathy, Validation, and Compassion

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” (Pema Chödrön – Tibetan Buddhism practitioner)

At this stage, the family needs support based on the triangle formed by  empathy, emotional validation, and compassion . Empathy means understanding another person from their perspective, avoiding judgment. Here, active listening and managing silences are crucial. Accompanying means showing that  you are present  to support without offering easy advice or paternalistic solutions.

Emotional validation respects what the other person feels and the weight of their experiences without minimizing or exaggerating. Lastly, we find the need for compassion.  Compassion is an empathy that drives us to action , to help others, and to care for ourselves. In Buddhism, the concepts of compassion and self-compassion are closely linked, unlike in Western culture. Grief is an act that requires a deep level of self-care, forgiveness, and self-forgiveness.

“Grief is an act that requires a deep level of self-care, of forgiving and of self-forgiveness.”

Grief Groups: A Safe Space

Since grief combines the intimate and personal with social experience and loss, grief support groups become a safe place to construct a narrative of loss that provides  meaning to what happened , express thoughts and emotions in a climate of understanding and warmth, and learn resources to cope with various emotions that arise during the experience of loss.

The support group for suicide loss combines the  strength of shared experiences  among peers, forming a network that supports collective emotions and aids in managing them, with facilitation by psychological professionals who provide continuity to the activity, as well as developing psychoeducational coping strategies and literacy in mental health and suicide.

The support group builds a  social support network that exceeds its own boundaries  to assist in individual processes but also to drive changes in how we understand suicide and the grief it incurs. The group serves as a place to remember and talk about loved ones, a pathway through grief.

Ending the Taboo of Death

“A civilization that denies death ends up denying life.” (Octavio Paz in “The Labyrinth of Solitude”)

Death is society’s great taboo. It is an experience we increasingly try to distance from our everyday lives. It appears to be something to be overcome rather than an experience to be integrated. Living with our backs turned leads to a lack of understanding of how to cope with grief, which can become chronic, turning natural pain and sorrow into a pathological process close to depression. Historically, we have moved from mourning loved ones at home to hospitals, then funeral homes, and increasingly to more sterile, depersonalized settings. Funerary rites that focus on remembering loved ones at the beginning of the mourning period have a purpose we must recover; it’s an opportunity to rewrite the narrative of their life and death, allowing us to integrate them into our present.

Ending this taboo requires establishing adequate foundations for  death education  starting with the youngest. Within the curriculum, educational systems must integrate life skills that help young people  better prepare to live life , equipping them to face its challenges, as well as incorporating concepts of death education that teach us about life’s  finite nature  and help us grasp the true essence of our life process. Death must become a part of our lives once more because it is an integral component.

“Ignorance is the basis for the perpetuation of the social problem of suicide.”

Today, death and grief from suicide cannot remain an unknown and silenced phenomenon. Our society must confront suicide as a  public and social health issue  and acknowledge a death that does not make us different. Important to this understanding is promoting  mental health literacy and suicide awareness . To overcome fear of a phenomenon is to understand it. Naming it allows us to confront it. Understanding its myths, risk factors, protectives, and warning signals not only enhances prevention but also better equips us to deal with the aftermath of grief. Ignorance remains the foundation of perpetuating the problem.

Silence is as Harmful as Overexposure

Grieving processes are complex and determined by various factors that involve prior experiences with death, religious and cultural beliefs about it, and how we understand our world.  There is no single way to grieve ; each person constitutes a universe in their experience. There are no magic solutions for what to do, but some circumstances may hinder the process and contribute to its chronicity.

“Overexposure of victims grieving a suicide complicates the process where the foundations of a proper restructuring of life are established.”

In a hypothetical dimension between what we should do and what we should not when experiencing suicide grief, the two poles represent  behaviors to avoid: making pain invisible or exposing it publicly . Silence is as harmful as overexposure. We can distinguish two areas in grief: one being the social expression of grief and the other being more intimate. Both are closely intertwined. Social expression occurs through cultural rituals that our society shares as a closure to a person’s material life. Against the silence characterizing this forbidden grief, we are now experiencing a diametrically opposed process.

The overexposure of victims grieving a suicide to social judgment through media and social networks  hinders the most intimate process where the foundations for a proper restructuring of life  are established for the person who has now lost an important component of their life. This not only creates a barrier to healthy grieving but, as scientific evidence shows, causes a contagion effect when communication is irresponsible.

It is not an issue of the quantity of communication but the quality and respect for the recommendations of responsible communication about suicide that serve its preventive need. The instrumentalization of a suicide, whatever the intention, may lead to a  process of revictimization  that distracts the grieving person from being able to undergo an appropriate process.

Anger and Guilt can Perpetuate Grief

On the other hand, we must reconcile with sadness. If there is one emotion that characterizes grief, it is the  pain and deep, muffled loneliness  in which we find ourselves. The awareness of not being able to embrace our loved one confirms how death changes the rules of our relationship. The embrace and its healing power symbolically return us to our idea of communion with our “tribe,” where we feel secure, covering our material and emotional needs. The embrace takes us back to a warm and safe maternal womb.

We must navigate through that piercing pain brought on by loss to rebuild ourselves. However, its intensity can provoke many other emotions that, while healthy, can become distractions perpetuating our grief. Anger and guilt, when they turn into ruminations, block our ability to accept and engage with reality. What binds us all in loss is  pain and loneliness . It is only just that life gives back what it has stolen from us: the precious life of our loved one who has passed away. But this is not possible. Recovering the deceased is a torturous journey filled with winding paths leading us to a  new way of relating from a symbolic standpoint .

“Recovering the rhythm of daily life allows us to convert the pain of loss into a reunion with our loved one.”

Grief requires a balance between fully experiencing it and returning to the daily routine filled with those subtle details that embody what we conceptualize as happiness. Deaths and grief will change us forever, guiding us through a complicated path of ups and downs. There is no term in Spanish to help label the conclusion of grief; perhaps because grief does not have an end but rather integrates into our lives to transform us. However, reclaiming our daily rhythm will allow us to turn the pain of loss into a reunion with our loved one, and we can remember them more for how they lived rather than for the cause or circumstances of their death. We must integrate them so that  their memory endures within our lives , feeling close to who they were and being grateful for having shared part of our lives with them. Many life circumstances are neither bad nor good; they simply are, and since they cannot be altered, we must learn to integrate them—for our sake and for theirs.