27 percent of Norway’s population dreads Christmas. I am one of them. Many people dread Christmas because of finances. At night it weighs heavily on the chest of many families, the scary pile of bills that cannot be paid. And I’m worried about that too. But my Christmas feelings have a darker backdrop. As Christmas Eve approaches, I am gripped by a deep and persistent uneasiness. There is a feeling of wanting to throw up from the Christmas smells, there is claustrophobia and anxiety. It hurts to sleep. First of all, the quiet streets and the closed houses are a signal that I am in danger. You probably think I’m exaggerating, but these black feelings have only one name: loneliness. Celebrating Christmas year after year and not feeling loved and protected, not wanted and welcomed, it has created memories for me that cannot be erased easily. For me, Christmas represents all the worst things in life. I’ve been dreading Christmas since I was little. Right now there are 240,000 children in Norway who experience violence, neglect, neglect and abuse in their own homes. 50,000 of these children experience severe violence. I think of them as Christmas approaches. Behind the closed doors, behind all the sparkling poinsettias hanging in the windows, brutal abuse takes place, and yet another child begins to dread Christmas. There are parents who drink too much, parents who forgot to buy Christmas presents due to intoxication, parents who silently signal that the child is in the way, not wanted and valuable, not loved. There are children who have to comfort or care for mentally ill parents, who set up bird bands and wash the floor and carry firewood through the electricity crisis, because no one else does it. I think of the 115,000 children who live in poverty in Norway, and this number is only going to increase. I am thinking of all those who experience racism and exclusion – 37 per cent of Norwegian youth have experienced racism on the basis of skin color or religious affiliation, UNICEF reports – yes, all those children who feel left out in the chalk-white, Christian-Norwegian Christmas at home. I am thinking of the 423 asylum children who have simply disappeared from Norwegian asylum reception centres. Where are they when we stress about Christmas gift shopping and gingerbread? How lonely are all these children when Christmas peace is called? Is Christmas really the children’s holiday, when all this can be happening around us, right now? Those of us who dread Christmas don’t do it to flirt. It is not related to gifts and decorations, or that the ribs did not turn out as we had wanted. It has nothing to do with stress or expectations, which psychologists and “experts” routinely play off of. “Expectations from society and the people around you can feel burdensome, the demands you make on yourself are just as bad, and it’s stressful to have to finish all the shopping, gifts, decorations and Christmas baking before Christmas rolls around,” says Patrick Vogel, professor emeritus in clinical psychology at NTNU. But that’s the least of those of us who dread Christmas. What’s terrible about Christmas is the memories of being trapped. It’s the feeling of being in a cage. Christmas is the most contained of all holidays. Only the immediate family applies. A walking story says that a Pakistani family who came to Oslo just before Christmas learned that Christmas was a big celebration in Norway. On Christmas Eve, they went down to Karl Johan to join the party, which they thought we celebrated together, in the streets. I like that story. Many, many times I have wished that we celebrated Christmas that way in this country. That we gathered in the middle of the city or town, around a huge Christmas tree, to share mulled wine and gingerbread and songs and closeness. Right on Christmas Eve, there is no way around it. There are very few alternatives if you do not have a close relationship with your own family. Those of us who have no close family to celebrate with, or know that we are not accepted and wanted and loved in the very closest circle, we have nowhere to run. And as a child there is no way out, on this very day all doors are closed. Year after year, people dread Christmas. The bad Christmas feeling takes hold deeply in smells and tastes and songs that are only brought up to this holiday. These memories color the entire holiday season black for us, and it is terribly difficult to stop associating “You green glittering tree, good day” and the smell of fir bars and Christmas beer with anything other than pain. In the past, I preferred to work through Christmas. I always volunteered for the Christmas watch. Nowadays, I save all year or take out a loan to afford to travel out of the country. I went to Spain one Christmas, because I thought Christmas was different there. So I’ve been sitting all alone in a restaurant in the middle of Barcelona on Christmas Eve as it has dawned on me that I can’t get away from Christmas in a Catholic country. Once I was given shelter in a friend’s basement in Stavanger. It was very lonely. After all, it wasn’t my family who wrapped presents around me. The best are non-Christian countries. I’ve celebrated Christmas with dry American turkey sprinkled with marshmallows in the middle of Beijing, and with coconut milk chicken stew on a beach in Thailand. Many times I have woken up on Christmas Eve to the sound of the prayer calls from the minarets in a Muslim country, and breathed a sigh of relief: It is not the Christmas bells ringing for mass. Phew, it’s just a normal day here in Morocco! I have met many people who dread Christmas. One day, I hope, all of us who dread Christmas can gather in the middle of the city or town for a big Christmas celebration. Community and understanding are the most healing things we humans can experience. That’s what Christmas should be about, not presents, not decorations or ribs. Love conquers all! So that’s what I plan to give away for Christmas: security, hugs, and pure love. And one day maybe even I will enjoy Christmas, because I have created my own. Merry Christmas!
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We who dread Christmas – Expression
