– I have been a bonus mother for almost 14 years and have made all the mistakes there are. Svava Thorhallsdottir joined her husband Andreas in 2006. Together they have two daughters aged 8 and 11. And then there is 17-year-old Magnus, who is the son of Andreas. A couple of years into the relationship, Magnus’s mother passed away, and Svava went from dating to making packed lunches. Today, far more children live in an extended bonus family. It’s not always easy, and many people dread Christmas. – Easy to make mistakes Christmas is the holiday of expectations and traditions. In the bonus family, traditions must be mixed together. It’s not always that easy. – Generosity is the key. Both with partner and bonus child, says Svava. Her biggest challenge as a bonus mother is the expectation of adult responsibility, but that you have little authority to make decisions. – It’s easy to make mistakes there, even when it’s Christmas, she says. Svava Thorallsdottir in a green paper crown, together with the bonus family at Christmas. Photo: Privat Happy, happy Christmas Are you worried about Christmas peace when yours, mine and ours will be together a lot at Christmas? The bonus family association gives you some tips that can make it go more smoothly. 1. Clarify expectations Liv Anniken Berg is a family therapist for many years and chairman of the Bonus family association. She is a bonus mother of two boys, has two of her own, as well as a shared child with her husband. Berg believes that one of the most important things you can do to have a good Christmas with the bonus family is to clarify your expectations. The expectations don’t have to be big things, but they feel absolutely necessary for you. Liv Anniken Berg is the general manager of the Bonus family association and a therapist for many years. Photo: Mona Nordøy It could be a game you’ve always played at Christmas, a cafe you always have to visit with mum, or a film you always have to watch with dad. Berg believes that one must ask what is important to the individual. – If everyone feels heard, then there are many who suddenly don’t think it’s so important anymore. Just because they have been asked. 2. Be fair and clear When children are involved, intense emotions can often arise. Are you and your partner going to protect your “own” children? – Integrating all these strangers into one family is demanding. If your biological children, or a shared child, are involved, you can quickly feel that you should protect your own children a little extra. Remember to be fair, no matter how annoyed you are, stresses Berg. 3. Plan well in advance Planning is important so that everything will be in place when the Christmas peace hopefully subsides. – Make sure you agree on screen time, amount of candy, visiting friends and overnight stays in advance. Berg also believes that packing, if you are going away for Christmas, is a task that should not be underestimated. – We have five sons in total. That means a lot of clothes and equipment to be packed if everyone is going on both cross-country skiing and alpine skiing during the holiday, says Berg. Life Anniken Berg together with her husband, her own children and bonus children. Photo: Private 4. Distribute tasks and ask for help Berg believes that tasks that can be distributed must be discussed. Make sure you get help and don’t do the tasks alone, but give the children some of them. – Letting the children contribute creates a feeling of togetherness. You are a team after all. Remember that you, as a bonus parent, do not have all responsibility for bonus children if they refuse to participate, says Berg. – It is not your children and not your job to handle this conflict, she emphasizes. 5. Make sure that you and your children have some time of your own. Do something pleasant together just for you and your children. – Go for a walk together, have lunch or something that is just for you, suggests Berg. This also enables your partner to be alone with their children. – You should also set aside some time where you are just alone. Go shopping, go skiing or take a walk alone. Treat yourself to a massage if possible, or sit down with a book. 6. Be open and communicate your feelings Several feelings must be taken into account in the bonus family, and the celebration may be associated with sadness or turmoil. If you feel that you are dreading the holiday, vent this in a calm way. – Don’t go around hiding any frustration, says Berg. Svava notices that it is different to talk about feelings with the daughters than with the bonus children. – The relationship with bonus children is more vulnerable, and when you have different emotional expressions it is incredibly easy to make mistakes. With my daughters it is different because the relationship is safer. But she has an important appeal for bonus parents: – If you try to take the bonus child’s place with the parent, you have lost. Facts about bonus families in Norway 40 per cent of the population in Norway will at one time or another be a member of a bonus family. Fewer children have married parents and fewer live in nuclear families at all, while more live with single parents and with stepparents. The latest figures from Statistics Norway show that there were 46,000 stepfamilies in Norway in 2001. In comparison, there were 29,000 in 1989. 50 per cent of registered marriages break up 80 per cent of all second marriages/cohabitations break up. According to the Bonusfamilieforneingen, it is claimed that it takes up to four to eight years before the children and the bonus family have settled down and become confident in each other. Fractures most often occur between 3 and 4 years together. It is most often within the first 4 years that you separate. Sources: Bonusfamilieforeningen and Statistics Norway
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This is how to have a good Christmas with the bonus family – news Sørlandet – Local news, TV and radio
