We are now witnessing that a person from the royal family is being investigated for violence in close relationships. There are several who tell about episodes, and there is a lot of suffering to read between the lines. We still do not know all the facts, but it is easy to understand that it must have been enormously demanding to be exposed here. Violence is fundamentally very harmful, and it can be particularly difficult when the performer is so high-profile. I have worked with perpetrators of violence in close relationships for many years, and I am writing this to anyone who knows themselves a little too well. Because I know there are people out there who think “shit, it could have been me”, or who know that they may not be destroying furniture and taking strangleholds, but that their partner or children are still suffering because of the way they are. And now many people probably think that I am completely down to earth, because perpetrators of violence are not concerned with this, are they? They are not bothered by what they do. The thing is, however, that what we talk about as perpetrators of violence is often very narrow. What gets attention is the serious violence, with the exclusively reckless performer. And yes, this is a proportion of those who practice violence, perhaps especially the really serious, physical violence. There are people who care little or nothing about those affected, and who want control, no matter what the cost to the environment is. At the same time, violence is really a broad term, and there is a great deal of violence that does not fall under this very serious category. You can say that violence exists on a spectrum where, on the one hand, you have episodes where the transition from an ordinary argument can be fluid, and to the life-threatening violence at the very other end of the spectrum. To give some examples: Using violence can also be using a loud voice and threatening posture, it can be saying hurtful things, using irony in a hurtful way, using vulnerable information that is shared in an argument. There can also be threats of suicide, there can be threats to leave the other, it can be punishing with silence, it can be hitting tables or walls, it can be smashing mobile phones. AND it can be the physical violence that sends the partner and children to hospital. Because we call it violence when our actions frighten and hurt to such an extent that others don’t dare to be themselves around us anymore. Some of these actions can be mistaken for everyday disagreements. Then the questions become the following: When does the loud voice go from being innocent to making the girlfriend walk on eggshells for the rest of the day? When do babies stop crying because they’re happy again, and when do they stop because mommy got so scary? And when is the irony funny, and when is it so hurtful that others never show that side of themselves again? But these nuances disappear very quickly in the public conversation, a conversation that almost exclusively revolves around the most serious violence. And when our image of an abuser is the antisocial one who is only kind when he is manipulative, will our newly divorced friend who explodes in front of her children and yells obscenities dare to tell us about this problem? Or will she keep it as a dirty and shameful secret, never daring to seek help? And if she tells you, will you laugh it off and say that everyone will be mad, because she doesn’t fit your abuser image, or will you say the truth: that this really is a problem, that she needs help and that you want to be there for her? Because the fact is that it has become commonplace to say you have anxiety and depression, but to say that you get too angry, people don’t even dare to say that to their closest friends. The experience from therapy, however, is that many who struggle with anger management wish for a life without violence. They will learn to put up with being the mum or dad who copes with children who act out, have double social problems and a demanding partner. WITHOUT becoming the one who makes everything worse. They will not have to look scared children in the eye. They want a partner who shrillly disagrees with them, without them clicking. Most of all, they want to be in control, so they can keep their integrity, so they can take responsibility for their actions. So they don’t have to say sorry one more time, knowing that they won’t be able to keep it. Avoid having done things they don’t dare tell their friends about. I know that having an aggression problem is very shameful, and that shame holds many people back from asking for help. Among other things, because of the narrow perception we have of what a perpetrator of violence is. Then you go around and say to yourself that “it’s not that dangerous, it happens in all families, the children don’t seem to react”, at the same time that the doubt never really lets go. I know people go to psychologists for years with the headline anxiety, ADHD and depression, without daring to mention that they are actually acting out against those around them. Despite the fact that this is the problem they really want fixed first. So to those of you who recognize yourself: You should know that there is good help out there. And that applies regardless of whether the problem is that you scare with a loud voice every now and then, or if you hit. There are places you can contact that won’t judge you. Who understands that violence has many shades. Where those who pick up the phone know exactly how difficult it is for you to call, and respect that. Although it may be the hardest thing to realize, the damaging effect violence has on those you love cannot be overstated. At the same time that this is a tough pill to swallow, it is perhaps also what can motivate you through the job in front of you. Because yes, you may be the one who destroys others now, but you can become the person who showed the children that everyone can change. Because if we look a couple of months ahead to the Christmas holiday, I can promise you that what your partner or your children want most is not nice gifts and great trips, but a Christmas without violence. Published 07.09.2024, at 15.15
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The most shameful thing – Speech
