In the past, people were forced to enter into marriage by both financial and societal expectations and demands. Today we have the freedom to be single. We seem to forget this in debates where the single are portrayed as poor and lonely. In a case on news recently, one in three singles also answered that they can’t afford it, but I would argue that being single is a luxury, and that less to worry about is the price you pay to save yourself from being single. When singles claim that they can’t afford it or have worse conditions than couples, they are comparing themselves to a fantasy. They envision cohabitants and married people living in luxury and harmony, with their two incomes and their own home, their community and the security of having each other. But the reality is different. Although we like to think that Norway is an exceptionally free country where you can love whoever you want, we are among the countries with the strictest social norms, along with countries like Pakistan and South Korea. We believe that relationships are formed based on infatuation and love, but most relationships are also based on assessments of status, class and reputation. The only difference between marriage in the 19th century and today’s relationship is the packaging. Today we talk about “interests” and “equal values” to explain why a doctor does not want to marry a plumber, or a lawyer with a cashier. As sociologist Marit Haldar stated in the “Gender Department” podcast: “Norwegian relationships are as organized as it gets!” The alleged luxury couples live in, compared to singles, comes at a high price. In Leo Tolstoy’s “War and Peace” from 1867, which tells the stories of the richest people in Russia at the time, Prince Andrey tells his friend Pierre: “Never, never marry … otherwise everything good and beautiful in you will be erased. [ …] My wife is a wonderful woman, but my God! What I would give now not to be married!” Andrey has mistresses, money, power and status, as well as a beautiful and popular wife, and yet marriage feels like a prison to him. To claim that singles are poorer than couples in kroner and øre is to ignore the overall price couples pay for being together. A relationship requires compromise and adaptability, and you often have to give up a form of individuality that singles never have to deal with. As a single person, it can be tiring to live in a collective or rent a basement flat, because it is the only thing you can afford, but is it better to live in a shared detached house where the only room of your own is a small hut that has been made about a home office? Or where a basement room or the garage is your only refuge? And how many hours alone do you really get in a relationship, when children and partner constantly demand attention, and there is not a single square meter you can call your own? In relationships, you have the joy of knowing that someone is waiting for you at home, but it can also feel suffocating to think that you can never do anything spontaneous without consulting, or telling, your partner first. During holidays and family dinners, as a single person you may constantly experience being asked if you haven’t found a girlfriend yet, at the same time many couples live with a lot of repressed rage and frustration at their boyfriend who constantly puts his cups on the kitchen counter, when the dishwasher is empty and ready to be filled up, right under the bench. We must also not forget all the couples who persevere in unhappy relationships because they stay together for the sake of the children, or simply do not dare or afford to break up. No matter how many challenges life alone presents, it is still a choice for most people. The single life is strictly speaking not something that benefits the community. We actually need someone to live together and manage to live in a community. Although you can opt out of your partner, you cannot opt out of making some compromises with the community. Demanding political reforms that will make it easier for singles to get their own home or improve their finances is like demanding support from the credit union to take bartending courses in Ibiza or the introduction of deductible caps for plastic surgery. The state has responsibility for making arrangements for citizens to live good lives, but the state cannot finance the luxury of choosing a life as a single person.
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The luxury of single life – Expression
