It’s not hard to see if a friend gets hooked on someone. Many may have seen a friend clinging to someone who does not seem interested. – Why is it so difficult to discover it yourself? – It’s the same as with drugs, you don’t want to admit that you’re addicted. The shame, combined with the hope that it might become love, means that we are unable to see it for ourselves, says the psychologist. Through her profession, she has met many people who have been unhappily in love. Or as she likes to say, “hooked” on someone who is unpredictable and unavailable. Hooked on the idea of someone Anna Torre (20) is a student and lives in Oslo. She believes there is a big difference between falling in love and hooking up. She herself has experienced both being hooked and someone being hooked on her: – I think you tend to put the hooker on a kind of royal throne, that you might think that they are cooler than they actually are. Anna (20) thinks it’s scary to be hooked on someone’s idea. Photo: PRIVATE Anna believes that if this happens over time, it could become dangerous. She says that it can be exciting with the pursuit of the hooker’s attention, but that you still have to be careful not to romanticize the idea of someone, rather than just seeing them for who they are. – Hook is usually about the idea of how someone is, and not how they actually are. It gets a little dangerous if you let it go on for too long, suddenly you’re upset about something that wasn’t really anything at all. A hope of reward Gran explains that the hooker, i.e. the person you are hooked on, alternates between being warm and cold towards the other party. This does not have to be a conscious act, often it is not. According to the psychologist, the most common behavior of a hooker is periodic reward. She explains that they appear at irregular intervals and gives you hope that this may develop into something more. The hope for love is nourished. The person who is hooked therefore quickly turns to sitting on hold, hoping that a reward awaits if you are just patient enough. More girls than boys – Anyone can get hooked if everything is right for it. Time, place, mood and signals from the other party are elements that come into play, says Gran. Psychologist and author Sissel Gran warns against dangerous falling in love Photo: Heiko Junge / NTB The psychologist goes on to say that there are clearly more girls than boys who get hooked. Why this is so is not known. but if you are vulnerable in the first place, it is easier for you to become vulnerable. – Maybe girls are more hopeful, more impressionable, perhaps more romantic? We don’t know this for sure, it will be speculation, she says. “Prize parents” The psychologist says that one of the common denominators for people who find it easier to get hooked is if you grew up with so-called “prize parents”. That is, parents where the child has to work actively to get attention and love. Childhood and upbringing can be a factor in how easy it is to get hooked. Illustration: ALEXANDER SLOTTEN / news – You have to be obedient, kind, decent, admiring and always prepared when mum or dad are interested in contact, explains Gran and continues: – People who have grown up with attentive, mature and “benign” parents , will have less tolerance for living in an unsafe hook-up situation. They simply do not want to have to work and struggle for love and attention. The children with prize parents, on the other hand, will have more patience in such situations, because this is something they have grown up with. Dangerous mix of hormones in the brain The psychologist confirms Anna’s theory that there is a difference between a hookup and a crush, even though they may have several similarities. – In the initial phase of a relationship, it is normal to be uncertain. One wonders whether the other person feels the same. However, time will tell if it is mutual or not. – How can you distinguish a hook from a normal crush? – Most falling in love naturally contains uneasiness, doubt and nervousness in the initial phase. A hookup can start as infatuation, but develop into a compulsive preoccupation with another, with strong elements of panic and addiction. – With a hook, the stress hormones in the brain increase and you go on alert. When the hook makes contact, this triggers dopamine in the brain. Increased dopamine levels give a feeling of well-being and this well-being can become the basis for addiction. – The reward center in the brain is activated, and you can become “obsessed” and start grinding on the hook, says Gran. Advice for a hooked friend Anna says that it is not easy to get off the hook if you are hooked on someone. – What advice would you give a friend who is hooked? – Maybe screw it up, Anna laughs before continuing: – As a rule, it doesn’t go anywhere, and then you end up putting yourself in a bad situation. So put the phone down and screw it up, because it’s often over the phone that these things happen. Anna’s best advice if you are hooked is to put the phone away and screw it up. Illustration: ALEXANDER SLOTTEN / news That’s why it’s dangerous The psychologist says that you can eventually become afraid to say something that scares away the unpredictable and unavailable hooker. You may risk over-adapting to the tiring situation. – The balance of power is uneven, you don’t recognize yourself, you become a nervous wreck. This can severely affect self-esteem, which is dangerous and unhealthy. How to get out The psychologist’s first advice is to talk to friends, tell them everything you have carried out of shame and humiliation. – It is not unusual for friends to want to spare your feelings, and therefore may not dare to be honest about the fact that the hooker does not seem interested. You can’t get anywhere with this, and you must therefore open up to the honest conversation. You must then cut contact with the hook. Don’t reply to messages and block that person. Then the hooker’s interest and desire for contact may increase. – If that happens, you have to be consistent and stand your ground. Because only then can you get off the hook, says Gran. The psychologist’s last advice is to erase all traces of the hooker. Throw away the toothbrush you borrowed, the forgotten t-shirt or other things that remind you of that person. Focus on things that make you happy and be around people who make you feel good.
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Psychologist warns against dangerous falling in love – news Culture and entertainment
