Lisbeth Markussen Tømmerås is in the bathroom one autumn evening in 2003. She looks after her five-year-old son and gets him ready for the night. Looking after and being with the kids is the best thing Lisbeth knows about. At the same time, the daughter, Lena (12), is in the only place she is allowed to go without being told: At school and playing in a very large play stand. While Lisbeth’s son is in the bath, she gets a phone call. It is a despondent girl’s voice, the daughter’s friend, talking incoherently. 12 minutes later, Lena is at the hospital. It is urgent to get her onto the operating table. It was at Østbyen school in Bodø that Lena played with her friends in the play stand in 2003. – The hope was there – I realized that it was serious. But not that serious, no. Inside a bare waiting room with no chairs to sit on, the minutes pass in syrup. On the way to the hospital, Lena’s heart had stopped beating. The seriousness hits Lisbeth when she arrives, and she asks if her daughter is dead. – The answer was that they worked with him. So the hope was there, says Lisbeth. Lisbeth and her husband trip back and forth while their girl hovers between life and death. – We just existed, I think. It was absolutely awesome. After what feels like several hours, but is perhaps fifteen minutes, the doctor comes to talk to Lisbeth and the man. Lisbeth has always seen becoming a mother as the only right thing to do. – It is simply the greatest thing one can experience. Photo: Ingrid Gulbrandsen Årdal / news Heavy internal bleeding “I regret having to say it, but your daughter is unfortunately dead”. – I remember that I shouted no. It’s like an abyss where you just fell, fell and fell. The internal bleeding that Lena suffered was too great, due to the weight of the stand that landed on one of her feet. Shortly afterwards, Lisbeth and her husband get to see their daughter. Lena is still warm, and lies in a white hospital shirt with the buttons on the back. Lisbeth crawls into bed with Lena and puts her hand in front of her nose. Lena Markussen Tømmerås was 12 years old when she died. She cared about music and history writing, and had a strong sense of justice. One day she came home with a blue lip for defending a friend on the way to school, says Lisbeth and chuckles. Photo: Private – I had to make sure she was dead. Although Lisbeth is aware of the reality, the body is in strong denial at the same time. But she has no choice but to be strong for the other children. At home, the assignments are in a queue. A criminal case Denial goes home with Lisbeth. – I could hear her calling out to me. It hurt and hurt. Lena’s nursery is filled with posters of superstar Avril Lavigne, coke cans and the stories she used to write on them. Parents take care of both the lunchbox and rubbish. While the room is left alone, the family has to make many choices: Hymns, flowers and words for the tombstone. – It was completely unreal. I must have been completely stoned. That’s why I almost wish it was made into a film. In the time afterwards, there will not be much room to work with the grief for Lena’s parents. Because what happened to Lena was a criminal case. It will be the start of a year-long battle with one court case after another. A gravestone from the funeral home for Lisbeth and Svein. Lisbeth herself remembers the text on Lena’s tombstone on rams. Photo: Ingrid Gulbrandsen Årdal / news “Jungelstativet” – The focus should be on grief and loss. Being in it, and figuring out a new weekday. But the anger they feel takes up too much space. They want answers. – The grief and loss were there the whole time. But there was a lot of anger, she says. The trials take many years and go all the way to the Supreme Court. She is terrified that the same thing will happen to more children, and that more play stands will be set up. It worked magnetically on kids who wanted speed and suction in their stomachs. With several steel beam tubs and car tires on the ground. The nickname was the “jungle stand” because of all the ropes one could swing from. But the couple’s search for answers makes people react. Not everyone could understand that Lisbeth and Svein were determined to be given responsibility somewhere. Photo: Ingrid Gulbrandsen Årdal / news Dommen They received a lot of criticism for being angry at individuals. – But who should I be angry with then? Should I be angry at the municipal coat of arms? We could not live with that responsibility being placed somewhere. I don’t think we could have lived in this municipality if it hadn’t gone that way. Finally, it is confirmed that the play stand was too weak. It snapped across during the children’s play. The manufacturer and supplier of the stand were convicted of negligent homicide. Bodø municipality was also ordered to pay compensation to Lisbeth and her husband. – Did it help? – We had gone as far as we could. We could have appealed the amount, but it was wrong for us. It wasn’t the money we were interested in. So we gave up. – We still have questions, but you have to stop at some point. To get a life of my own. Psychologist: – Can’t leave grief alone Psychologist Sidsel Fjelltun works a lot with trauma, stress and sad events. One thing she can say for sure is that a grieving process is individual just like humans. – There are no conclusions about how one should cope with grief. And losing a child is one of the absolute worst things that people can experience. She speaks on a general basis. – When, in addition, an accident like this happens in a public place and there is a long legal process afterwards, then you cannot grieve in peace. Psychologist Sidsel Fjelltun explains that things like smells are directly linked to memories and feelings. Photo: Private This means many questions about why something has happened and what can be done about it further. Sorga simply becomes tied to administrative obstacles. And anger is a completely normal reaction to grief, especially when there are external circumstances connected to the grief, says Fjelltun. In fact, it can help get things done. – In anger there is some energy and the ability to look after oneself and others. And the will to get something done, not least. An unexpected twist Little by little, Lisbeth and her husband change their focus. Several years have passed since Lena died. At that time it was a man from the funeral agency who was their big rock. Someone who had endless time and care. He, and the priest, became their crisis team. And it was this man who had planted a seed, even if the couple didn’t realize it even at the time. They quit their jobs and make the most impulsive choice ever. – Now I was very lucky, says Lisbeth when best friend and husband Svein puts his arm around her. Photo: Ingrid Gulbrandsen Årdal / news A funeral home? A funeral home is outside the hall. Lisbeth’s husband had the first thought: Could it have been something? Yes, it could. – I have always liked people. Being someone for others. If they want it, they have to be quick on their feet. And they were. In 2015, working closely with death and grief became their livelihood. It has taught them a lot about living. Maybe working in a funeral home is not as gloomy as the rest of us might think? The agency is called Bergs Begravelsesbyrå, after the man who sold them the agency. Photo: Ingrid Gulbrandsen Årdal / news The relationship to death has changed – No, I don’t think so. Everyone I’ve spoken to loves their job. And that it is possible to feel joy, and meaning, again. – It has meant a lot to me and Svein to help others in the same situation. Help them to do. Help them think. It is not possible to draw a line when this happens. But you can create a nice farewell. And start a new part of life. – I strongly believe that it is important to have a ceremony and a farewell. That you have to go through saying goodbye before you can start the weekday. With that said, she is no less afraid that something will happen to those she loves. Nevertheless, she has a more natural relationship with death than before. When she was young, she thought a lot about death, Lisbeth explains. – That one day, one will die. – Now it’s natural. Something everyone should. Grief contains more than just darkness, believes Lisbet. Everyday joy – Grief can also be nice in a way. It is also the way forward, says Lisbeth. She has stopped fighting back. Even if my memory often becomes weight to life, especially in autumn when the smells take their natural place. – In any case, I have stopped fighting. And let it come. And I think it’s important right from the start, to let it come, and not fight against it. You can also listen to the whole story with Lisbeth in the podcast Øyeblikket, on news Radio: It doesn’t matter if it’s crying, sorrow or anger, says Lisbet. – Any reaction is better than no reaction. Together, they have taken back the everyday which is filled with humor and joy, despite everything. – I think it becomes all the more important when you experience something like this. Everyday pleasure, quite simply.
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Lisbeth coped with her daughter’s death by taking over a funeral agency – news Nordland
