Every day thousands of children and young people go to school, with their parents’ divorce and a broken family in their backpack. – Few ask the children about how the divorce is experienced for them. This is what Tonje Holt, psychologist and researcher at the National Institute of Public Health (NIPH), says. She says it is obvious that children are affected when the parents divorce, but at the same time there is little knowledge about how the children feel about a break-up. This is because no one has asked them. – In the studies that have been, the parents have been asked about how the children are doing. There is too little research examining the child’s perspective. We simply know too little, says Holt. She points out that adults often seek help and support in the event of a break-up. Maybe they get a sick note or a little slack at work. – The children, on the other hand, can not report sick, and it is expected that they show up at school and perform as before, she says. Tove Kristensen Knudsen is responsible for schooling in Alta municipality. She says that increasingly younger students are showing signs of mental and social problems at school. Therefore, the municipality has begun to think that the many marital breakdowns affect the children more than they have thought until now. – We see that students all the way down to 1st and 2nd grade have challenges related to behavior. Many times we see it in children who have experienced marital breakdown, and we believe it is a connection, says Knudsen. The head of school education in Alta municipality, Tove Kristensen Knudsen, wants to catch the children who are going through divorce in a better way than today. Photo: Hanne Larsen / NRK Little knowledge About 18,000 couples divorce annually in Norway. With it, the lives of thousands of children are turned upside down. The Friday taco will suddenly be eaten together with the new boyfriends of mum and dad, many children get two homes to commute between and new siblings arrive. Through a large project called Familieforsk, NIPH is looking at how divorces and marital breakdown affect children. And it’s time, says researcher Holt. Psychologist at FHI Tonje Holt researches how children feel in everyday life. Right now she is involved in a project that will find out how marital breakdown affects children. Photo: Private – It is natural that children are affected. Even if most people manage, it’s a big shock. How we as parents and society handle it is very important, says Holt. She fears that parents, in the best sense, may think that their children are doing better than the children themselves feel. Holt refers to other research from NIPH, which deals with how parents’ quarrels affect the children. – What we found, which was a bit startling, was that the children themselves reported that they had much stronger reactions related to the parents’ quarrels than what the parents reported. And one can imagine that the same can apply in the event of a break-up, says Holt. Still hurt The researcher and psychologist believe it may be that the children in a breakup live up to the parents’ image of the divorce. – If the parents’ story is that “we are doing so well”, then it can be difficult for the child to go out of that story and say that “this is very tough for me”, she says. NRK has spoken to several “divorced children” who are currently in their 20s and 30s, to hear about their experiences with the divorce. None of those we have spoken to have wanted to be open. Several of them say this is still a painful topic and that they do not want to say anything that could make their parents feel sad or react. One says the following: – It was not so bad there and then, but it has affected me in retrospect. He continues: – I had good grades all the way to 5th grade. But from 6th grade, my grades got worse. And that was exactly when my parents divorced. Hides own feelings All parents who have joint children under 16 must attend mediation in connection with a break-up and separation, or before they can sue in court. – Cohabitation can affect children more than we adults like to believe, says psychologist Jartrud Sofie Frafjord. She is the leader of a national competence team for children in family care. Psychologist Jartrud Sofie Frafjord has talked to many children who have experienced divorce. – Most people want stability and to be able to continue as much as possible as before, she says Photo: Frank Rune Isaksen / Frikant The psychologist says that children adapt and consider whether there is room for their feelings when the parents separate. – If they perceive that mom and dad have more than enough with theirs, they will often hide their own feelings. They may feel sorry for the parents and not want them to get worse, says Frafjord. She believes it is important not to take it for granted that when a child is calm about the situation, then everything is fine. – It may of course be that it actually goes well, but it may also be that the child masks his feelings. It may be that the child cries alone in the room and wipes away the tears before coming out into the living room, she says. Frafjord says that some children talk to friends, a teacher or others close to them. But some do not tell a soul how they feel. Some children do not tell anyone how they feel after a divorce. Illustration: Egil Ursin / NRK When children shut their emotions inside, it can have several effects, says Frafjord. – It may be that they sleep poorly, become unconcentrated, lose motivation to play or engage in leisure activities. And it can be reflected in outbursts of anger, or that you start to cry from something that may seem like a small thing, but which is about not getting an outlet for your feelings, she says. “Happy Divorce” The term “happy divorce” is often used when parents divorce as friends and manage to work well together in the future. NIPH researcher Holt warns against underestimating children’s feelings even at these breaches. – We are talking about the “happy divorces”, but this is very seen from an adult perspective. I do not think the “happy divorces” exist for the children, she says. Holt says it will be a transition anyway, and there can be a lot they go and carry and worry about. – Like wondering if mom and dad should be together on important days like on their confirmation day or on Christmas Eve, Holt says. Although the numbers have shown a decline in recent years, there are still many couples who differ compared to 50-60 years ago. But even if many separate, you can not automatically believe that it is easier for the individual divorced child that their particular family is disintegrating, Holt believes. – There is less shame around this today, and when it is more normalized, it can in a way be easier for the children. But at the same time, we must not fall into the trap of forgetting that it is difficult for each child, in each individual case, she says. Although divorce is rarely something the children want, there are cases where children benefit from their parents separating, Holt emphasizes. – For example, if there are a lot of conflicts, violence or other burdens in the family. Although it is more normal for couples to divorce now than before, one cannot automatically believe that it is easier for the individual divorced child to go through it. Illustration: Egil Ursin / NRK The teachers are unknowingly The school subject responsible in Alta municipality says that it happens that the school is not notified in the event of a break-up. Thus, sometimes the teacher or the school does not know that a child has parents who have separated. – Sometimes the school gets to know about it by chance. For example, if the child says that they have forgotten something at home with mom or dad. We think there must be an automaticity in parents notifying the school, so that we can be prepared and get in early, says Knudsen. Exactly how they will proceed is not clear, but Knudsen says the intention is to try to take care of the students in the best possible way around a breakup. They will therefore make a contingency plan to ring around the children during this period. The children will receive help from an environmental supervisor, health nurse and observant teachers. – By having a system, the teacher can be more prepared and understand why the child changes behavior or is unable to perform at school, she says. Holt in FHI thinks the thoughts and ideas of Alta municipality are commendable. – It is great, and if it can also lead to the parents feeling more confident that they can talk to the school, then I think it is very important, the researcher says. She believes we all need to become more aware of how children and young people are affected when families split up. At the same time, she is aware that children’s voices are emphasized to a greater extent than before. Fortunately, the family protection office has become a major focus on children being heard in connection with mediation. This is a positive development, says Holt. Can be painful for a long time For some children, the Family Welfare Office can be a much-needed valve. Frafjord says children often find it good to talk to someone outside the family. – They often express that it is good to talk to someone who can tolerate everything they have on their mind and who is not shocked or emotional, the psychologist says. She says that for children it is important to be normal and equal to the others. Therefore, it may be good for them to talk to therapists who can assure them that their emotions are normal and understandable. – When they see that it is legal and normal to be angry and upset, it is often reassuring in itself, she says. NIPH researcher Holt says the grief and feelings can last for a long time. – It is important to talk to the children even after a few months and preferably after one year. That one does not take for granted that they have progressed, but ask them how they are doing and what works and does not work for them in the new everyday life, she says.
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I think increased behavioral problems in school are due to divorce – NIPH will do more research on children’s experience – NRK Troms and Finnmark
