We are talking about conflicts. Some are a breeze that turns into a hurricane. Others are so inflamed, stuck and foul-smelling from day one that opening up seems completely impossible. Can you still hope for reconciliation and forgiveness? Yes, we are to believe the experts on conflict management. Receives 6,500 conflicts a year Criminologist Kathinka Steenstrup works to help people out of trouble. For a number of years, she has entered into conflicts of all kinds as a mediator in the Conflict Council. Approximately 6,500 cases come there annually. Last year, just over 2,500 of them ended up in mediation, where the parties were helped by someone like Steenstrup. The remaining cases were, among other things, resolved before mediation. In some cases, one of the parties refused to appear. The parties to the conflict may be the victim and perpetrator in a criminal case that has also been before the court. As in the story of Renate and Richard. You meet the two in the news podcast “Unforgivable”. Those who argue can also be family members who strongly disagree about the inheritance from grandmother. Or neighbors arguing over a hedge. According to Steenstrup, even the really big conflicts can lead to reconciliation with the right method. In the same way that small ones can grow if they are not handled. Philosopher David Chelsom Vogt says conflicts are often all-consuming and energy-draining. – I myself have seen in mediation meetings how people react when they have managed to resolve a conflict. It’s visual – I’ve seen people’s shoulders sag when the meeting comes to an end, says Vogt. He works at the University of Bergen and is particularly interested in punishment and conflict management. Previously, he was a mediator in the Conflict Council. Here you get what is perhaps the closest we can get to a kind of template for what you should do when the goal is to resolve a conflict. Take a look at yourself What is really important to you in this conflict? What are you looking for? Maybe it’s something material, like the family cabin. Maybe it’s something emotional, like respect. – Start with yourself. You cannot resolve the conflict on your own, but you can find out what your main problem is in the whole thing, says philosopher Vogt. He also advises you to reflect on what you think the other party wants. We have a tendency to connect other people’s actions directly to their personality. He did it because he is evil. – Then you tend to ignore features of the situation that could explain why he acted the way he did. For example, that he was stressed or inattentive. And then we often do the opposite with ourselves, he explains. We like to explain our own bad actions based on external circumstances rather than bad will. If you are aware of this asymmetry, according to the philosopher, you have a good starting point for moving forward in conflict management. Be the brave No matter the type of conflict, avoidance is a very common strategy. – Then it becomes like a wound that can only continue to swell. The despair and frustration continue and are fed, explains mediator Kathinka Steenstrup. “Someone must gather courage and start the dialogue,” she continues. Why not you? Bring in an impartial person Philosopher Vogt says that no conflict is too small or too big not to benefit from a neutral helper. The Conflict Council is a natural place to go. – I think a lot of people are not aware of what the offer is. People are in many conflicts that they could have resolved if they just sought help, he says. – As long as the conflict is talkable, it is solvable, emphasizes Steenstrup. Dare to stand in the discomfort. Many people just want to finish. Draw a line. Dot. It is not smart, according to Steenstrup: – Looking ahead is a good goal. But then you have to bear the discomfort first. She says it is often really uncomfortable to talk about what, for example, you have done wrong to someone else. – But you have to dare to be in this discomfort – and to be there long enough. She gets support from Vogt. – The Conflict Council uses a method that is quite ingenious: The entire first part of the meeting is about the past – about what happened. When the past is thoroughly dealt with, the parties often feel they receive recognition for what they have experienced. Only then are you ready to look ahead. Be curious about the other person According to Vogt, the lack of recognition is the most fundamental thing in a conflict. Recognition means accepting and accepting the other. The other’s feelings and opinions. Have you ever felt the strong desire to “win” an argument? Guaranteed. You should put this desire aside when a conflict is to be resolved. Steenstrup advises you to spend more time listening to the other person’s perspective than arguing about your own. – It is very helpful to be curious and exploratory. Ask questions. She says that you should also be sincere and take proper responsibility for what you should do to resolve the conflict. – Ask the other: “What do you need me to do?”, she says. Don’t say sorry too early The apology you end up giving should be free of reservations and excuses, says Steenstrup. If you cannot do that, it is better to spend more time in the previous steps. Or to reconcile with the cliché agree to disagree. It is still possible to lay the hatchet dead. Are you the one scheduled to receive an apology? It can be easier than many people think. – Being the one who gets the opportunity to forgive is, for many, very restorative. There is a lot of healing in being the person who forgives, says Steenstrup. More about conflicts and forgiveness? Check out “Unforgivable” on news Radio:
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How to resolve conflict? Here are 6 steps towards a solution. The Conflict Council gives its tips – news Trøndelag
