“You! Look here, Lisbeth. Look what I have left for you. Isn’t it great? You can have him next to the armchair”. That’s what the character Britt Pedersen says in the news series “Side om side” when she gives a huge floor lamp to her daughter-in-law, Lisbeth Berg. Pedersen is meant to be the stereotypical mother-in-law. She who gives her daughter-in-law a number of things she doesn’t want, and who comes and goes when she wants to. Many people laugh at this character. All the fairy tales, stories and weekly newspaper stories about the mother-in-law left a clear mark on our impression of our spouse’s mother. But what is it about mothers-in-law that causes them to be ridiculed at all times? MOTHER-IN-LAW: Lisbeth and Frode pack up at Britt’s, but strong feelings cause problems. And mother-in-law Britt would like to give Lisbeth a number of things she doesn’t want. – Has something new happened in gender roles? Sociologist Gjertrud Sæter has delved into the mother-in-law stories. In fact, she is the first in the Nordics to have a doctorate on mothers-in-law. – Yes, it is a bit special. I admit it, she says. Sæter was looking for a topic to write about in the study “folkloristics”, which would mean folk memories. During a lunch, many mother-in-law stories were told and suddenly someone said: “There you have your theme!”. BOOK ABOUT THE MOTHER-IN-LAW: Sæter gradually got so many mother-in-law stories that she could not settle for a doctoral thesis. It also had to be a book. Photo: HEIDI REINHOLDTSEN Sæter believes that part of the reason why the mother-in-law has acquired such a negative connotation is that she disturbs the husband when he was supposed to relax after work. – And then he comes home, and there is the mother-in-law. He cannot relax, because she is sitting in his armchair or lying in his bed. Or he is banished to the bath, and even there he is not allowed to be alone, because the mother-in-law has to take a bath before she goes to bed. But now the image of the mother-in-law is about to change a little. There are not as many jokes about the husband’s mother-in-law in the media anymore. Now it is just as likely the man’s mother who is the problem – if there are not two women in a relationship, then. – Here, something new has happened in the gender roles, which is reflected in the way this material comes across, says Sæter. Sæter found that the somewhat comical mother-in-law figure entered our culture with industrialization and the move to the cities. – One then tells about a slightly ridiculous mother-in-law who is always present. And if she is not present at home, she is on the line with her daughter, or she is an invisible review figure. A troublesome figure, quite simply, she says. SEE MORE ABOUT MEN’S RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE MOTHER-IN-LAW: A program about men, with men and on men’s terms. Topic: Men’s relationship with mother and mother-in-law. Shared opinions about mother-in-law We have asked people at a shopping center in Gjøvik about their relationship with their mother-in-law. Arild Christiansen describes the relationship as “fifty-fifty”. – She is real, but she doesn’t like everything I do, he laughs. – Has it been a bit awkward all along? – Yes. NO CELEBRATION WITH MOTHER-IN-LAW THIS YEAR: – How will Christmas be. Will she celebrate with her mother-in-law? – No, replies Arild Christiansen. Photo: Roar Berntsen / news – I’ve had both. Both good and bad, says Miriam Hermanrud. – I have an absolutely fantastic mother-in-law, says Anne Lene Vaslien. SATISFIED: Mother and daughter Unn Toril Vaslien and Miriam Hermanrud are very satisfied with their mothers-in-law. Photo: Roar Berntsen / news – A mother-in-law is something you get with the purchase. It is rare that one evaluates them against the old lady subject. I’ve been lucky, me. But there is a lot one shouldn’t say, says Hans Christian Medlien. Do you have a good relationship with your mother-in-law? Yes very! Well. Totally OK. No! Not particularly… Show result How to “deal” with the mother-in-law? But what does it take to get along better with the mother-in-law? And is it actually the mother-in-law who is the problem? Here are five tips for you from psychologist Peder Kjøs: ADVICE ON MOTHER-IN-LAW: – You cannot simply expect your partner to be as enthusiastic – or as understanding and forgiving – as you are, says psychologist Peder Kjøs. Photo: Private photo An important guest: – First of all, I think it is better not to “deal” with the mother-in-law, at least not a hard deal. Think of her as an important guest, as the mother of your partner, rather than as a problem or some kind of opponent. A grandmother: – Remember that the jokes and myths about mothers-in-law originate from a time when mothers-in-law had the power to set the standard for everything within housework, child rearing and the choice of partners. This is no longer the case. Now she is not a boss and a threat, but can be a practical and emotional resource. The role of grandmother has come to the fore more than the old mother-in-law role. So think of her as a grandmother rather than a mother-in-law. Keep enough distance: – As with other guests, it is best for everyone that the contact is not too long nor too close. It may sound idyllic to be together a lot, but actually most adults need a good deal of privacy. Do not plan for many overnight stays, especially if it will be crowded and impractical. Appreciate her: When the mother-in-law gets involved in the household, it is important to find a balance where you and your nuclear family are not directed and overrun, but where you and they also do not reject a mother-in-law who may have something to contribute. Show that you appreciated what he contributed. Have respect: – Remember that your mother-in-law is the mother of your partner. The emotional bond between the two has roots far back, to long before your time. Try to have respect for this relationship and the feelings and history that come with it. What about the father-in-law? Father-in-law has not been ridiculed as much as mother-in-law. But why? – He shadows the pitch. He is gentle. I think it has a lot to do with gender roles, says Gjertrud Sæter. – Should someone think about father-in-law, and do a PhD on it? – It is striking that he is so little represented in this material that he got away so easily. A doctorate in it probably wouldn’t have been so stupid, she says.
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Gjertrud Sæter has taken a doctorate on mother-in-law and written a book – news Innlandet – Local news, TV and radio
