– Hello, I’m a man, aren’t I, big and strong. I don’t need any help to deal with any emotions. It is December 2007. Abid Raja is 32 years old, an up-and-coming and successful Norwegian-Pakistani defense lawyer with great self-confidence. He demands that people listen. But it is outward. Inside, he struggles with shame and anger from a childhood very few know anything about. Violence, child protection, pain and illness are some of the keywords. – Suddenly I weighed 110 kilos. There was a lot of comfort eating to try and eat away from the feelings you had. The remnants of his childhood, which first came to light in his own book My fault, are his wife Nadia who gets to know about them. This tells both she and the people Abid Raja has depended on throughout her life. Hear more about his story in the podcast Abid’s good helpers: Controlling and conservative In the podcast it emerges that the conservative Muslim Abid Raja controls his friends. At home, he is both loving and controlling towards his wife. He demands that she dress as he thinks is appropriate. One day she has dressed up for a party with some good friends, they meet on the tram. He looks at her, and thinks the suit is see-through. He demands that she go home to change her clothes. He feels both anger and feelings of shame. Abid Raja and Nadia Ansar are working to make it easier for minority communities to ask for help. Photo: Patrick da Silva Sæther/news – I have eventually realized that I have put up with a lot, but I have also been assertive about what has been important to me. His wife Nadia is herself a psychologist, it is she who finally persuades Abid to seek help. Nadia Ansar is married to Abid Raja and works as a psychological specialist. Photo: Patrick da Silva Sæther/news Difficult to ask for help – There are generally fewer men who consult a psychologist, compared to women. This is according to psychologist specialist Nadia Ansar, who has written a doctoral thesis on the topic. The same is confirmed in a report from Bufdir, and in a study from the University of Gothenburg from 2022, reproduced by forskning.no – When men see a psychologist, it is often because their partner asks them to, says Ansar. – Emotions are seen as women’s arena, and men are portrayed as less emotionally available. This was also the case for her own husband, Abid Raja. – It was all those thoughts, they just grind. Think so ultra-flat then that you need help with your feelings. Everyone should be able to master that. – Where are the cap and sunglasses? It was psychologist Marina Hvistendahl who got the big Norwegian-Pakistani man running into her office. He was concerned that no one saw him. – Ok, where can I find the Finnish cap and where is the cap and where are the sunglasses? For the first time, she is speaking publicly about how he burst into her office. – I had to go down the stairs and see that there was a clear path and keep all the doors open. He was very concerned that he should be able to come up to me unseen without running the risk of meeting someone who might ask him questions about what he had done. Marina Hvistendahl has been Abid Raja’s psychologist for a number of years. Abid Raja paid for ten hours at the psychologist’s before he came there the first time, and there have been many more over the years. Little by little, things have fallen into place for the Liberal politician. – You should be able to look in the mirror and not look down on yourself. She gave me the tools I needed to get rid of the negative voice inside me,” says Raja, who told himself every day, “You’re not worth anything, you’re bad, you’ll never amount to anything ». Feeling watched It is the fear of what others will think that is often the highest threshold to cross, says Hvistendal. – For Abid Raja, this threshold was extra high. Many immigrants feel they are being watched, she says. Something that has become more clear in the conversations they have had. – I also heard something I hadn’t known about before, or thought about; How the children of immigrants are under constant surveillance. All taxi drivers have a look at them, and if they see Abid together with a woman on the street, then it is reported home to the Pakistani community. – Thinks that something is wrong with them. Now all three want greater focus on the taboos associated with asking for help. Nadia Ansar says many people in minority communities feel a strong sense of shame. – They think that there is something wrong with them if they experience anxiety or depression. In many environments, terms such as “being crazy” or being influenced by “evil forces” are used if you have mental disorders. The psychologist was absolutely essential for Abid Raja, who hopes his story can prompt more people to seek help. Abid Raja was in his 30s when he first consulted a psychologist. Photo: Patrick Da Silva He now believes that it does not have to be so different from seeing a dentist. – If you have a toothache, you go to the dentist to get it fixed. If you struggle with alienation and anxiety, or guilt and shame and negative feelings and thoughts, then you go to a psychologist to talk about it. Actually, there shouldn’t be anything more problematic than that, says Raja.
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Abid Raja thinks it was embarrassing to see a psychologist. Now he encourages others to ask for help – news Culture and entertainment
