Lately, I’ve thought a little about what family and friends really think about things I’ve done. About the gifts they have received from me, the dinners I have served them. About how big the distance is between what they say and what they think. What brought me to such thoughts was that I saw “You Hurt My Feelings”. The film is a little drama-comedy about the lives of privileged but tense people in the solid middle class of New York, and sure enough it doesn’t pop up on many “best of the year” lists. Central is a married couple, the writer Beth (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) and the psychologist Don (Tobias Menzies). They stumble into a crisis when Beth overhears a conversation in which Don admits that he doesn’t like her latest book. It’s a book she’s been working on for two years, struggling and worrying about, while her husband has constantly assured her that it’s wonderful. WORKING: Beth (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) and Don (Tobias Menzies) have a caring marriage, but it’s shaken when Beth discovers what Don hasn’t said. Most of us are probably both Beth and Don at times. Maybe up to several times a week. We accept that close relationships are both raw and real, and at the same time small plays. Many times it seemed obvious that critical honesty does nothing good. Your friend has already bought and hung the new curtains, so why would you say you think they’re garish? Everyone is sitting around eating Christmas dinner and seems content enough, are you going to be the one to point out that the swearing wasn’t the craziest? Of course not. Space Christmas is a time when such small games come frequently. All Christmas presents are welcome, all food is good, because it is not your feelings in the moment that count the most. It is the ritual, and it is the effort others have made for you. In “You Hurt My Feelings”, Don defends himself tenaciously when Beth becomes enraged, wondering if she can trust anything he says. As the husband sees it, his job is to support his wife. Maintain her confidence. Moreover, he has no knowledge of literature, so his assessment of the book’s quality may be poorly founded. If she can’t trust him to be on her team, who can she trust? RADAR COUPLE: Actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus and filmmaker Nicole Holofcener have worked together several times. Holofcener likes to take a closer look at small jabs and deceptions in relationships between people who otherwise have most things taken care of. Photo: AP Two forms of trust are pitted against each other. The trust that the other person will answer honestly to what you ask violates the trust that the other person is on your side against the world. Sometimes it is not possible to maintain both at the same time. There are many who would disagree with Don. Who would claim that the one who loves you is honest with you. Only then can you become the best version of yourself out there, where everyone else sees you. Someone who really wants you well won’t let you walk out the door with a stained shirt or unbrushed teeth. The linguist and author Deborah Tannen has written several books about communication between people who are close to each other. One of her books is about mothers and daughters, and is called “You’re Wearing That?” MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS: Linguist and author Deborah Tannen has researched communication between mothers and daughters, and concluded that mothers feel they have the right to say a lot about their daughters’ appearance. Photo: Ap One of the discoveries Tannen makes is that many mothers comment on very personal features of their daughters: what they wear, how much they weigh, how their hair looks. It can be perceived as invasive by the daughters. But the mothers will often act spontaneously and intuitively, based on a feeling that they have to speak up, because no one else is going to do it. They have to prevent their daughters from acting badly, and a momentary bad mood is a price they believe is worth paying. The first approach, let’s call it Don’s method, is in a way the most comfortable. Yes, you ensure that your partner, or siblings, friends, parents, colleagues sail through the day with their sense of self intact. But you also get rid of the burden of speaking up. To face the other’s disappointment and uneasiness. You do not get the responsibility that comes with it, to read several drafts, decide on alternative sofas or curtains or pictures. The second approach, the one preferred by the mothers in Tannen’s selection, has its own problems. Because who are you to judge other people’s choices? Maybe there’s a reason your living room looks the way it does? Perhaps the daughters actually want to dress more challengingly or less decorated than what the mother thinks is appropriate? COUPLE IN REALITY: Comedians and actors David Cross and Amber Tamblyn are married, but play a couple on the verge of divorce in “You Hurt My Feelings”. Photo: AP Between these different considerations, we all try to find a route, as others navigate in the same way when meeting us. There are also a number of other considerations that come into play, of course. Is it an area where the other person has low self-esteem, or one that is not so dangerous? Is it a process or a finished result they are asking for help to evaluate? What complicates the situation for everyone involved in “You Hurt My Feelings” is that none of them feel safe professionally. The patients Don gently tries to help are increasingly impatient with him. Beth has only published an autobiography before. She vaguely feels that it should have done better, and wonders if it would have helped sales if her father had been physically abusive instead of just scolding her. Her sister is an interior designer trying to sell increasingly bizarre lamps to a customer who is never satisfied, while her husband has just been fired from an acting job. ALL THE UNSAID: Filmmaker Nicole Holofcener also raised the questions about everything we have to keep quiet about in close relationships in the romantic comedy “Enough Said”, also with Julia Louis-Dreyfus. It was to be actor James Gandolfini’s last film. Photo: Shutterstock editorial They are in industries that are exciting, alluring, but none of them are sure if they will actually achieve what they are doing. Then the next negative comment can feel like a downgrade of your entire career. Then, of course, there is also the question of what is worth dwelling on, after all. A slightly incredulous Don points out to his wife that in a world on fire, his opinion of her novel is a special thing to go down for. But everyone exists in both a small and a large world, at the same time. And in the small world, a certain number of lies are needed for it to go around by itself.
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It is necessary to lie a little sometimes – Expression
