What do you do with a friendship that means more to one party than to the other? Most friendships are probably a little lopsided. We act like we’re equal, but we’re not really. Often it will be one who invests more in the friendship than the other, who will meet more often, who thinks the friendship is more confidential than it is. As a rule, it goes well anyway. There will often be a room for interpretation where you can choose to be generous and optimistic. It’s clear he doesn’t have time to meet as often after they had children. It is clear that she has a time-consuming job. This is how the machinery of friendship is lubricated, so it can roll on. Perhaps that is also why there are not so many films about friendship, at least not compared to the myriad of love films. Love relationships usually have a fairly clear beginning and end, they can contain jealous suspicions and tearful confrontations, in a way you rarely see between friends. CAN PUT AND GO: For most people, saying out loud that a friendship has gone awry – or perhaps always has been – sits deep inside. Photo: Johner Images / Johner But now there is a film that deals with a crooked friendship, and what happens when it becomes clear just how crooked it is. This Friday, the dark tragicomedy “The Banshees of Inisherin” has its Norwegian cinema premiere, on the eve of a week in which the film also collected nine Oscar nominations. “The Banshees of Inisherin” was created by playwright and director Martin McDonagh and stars Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson. The action takes place on a small Irish island in the twenties, and the drama arises one day when Padraic (Farrell) goes to the pub with his best friend Colm (Gleeson), as they do every day. But something is different. Colm suddenly declares that he no longer wants to be friends with Padraic. As he says: “I just don’t like you anymore”. He’s been reminded of how short life can be, and doesn’t want Padraic’s idle chatter to fill the time he has left. BREAKING: Colm (Brendan Gleeson) will no longer be friends with Padraic (Colin Farrell) in ‘The Banshees of Inisherin’. What follows is dramatic and bloody, for Padraic cannot bear the grief and humiliation. Padraic, heartbroken, does everything he can to get his friend back. All to avoid the ultimate humiliation, namely to look into the eyes that what has been a friendship for him, may have primarily been charity on Colm’s part. In real life, it’s almost striking how much we go to great lengths to avoid breaking up with a friend. For most people who really want out of a friendship, it is probably more common to go into a longer period of ghosting, where you become hovering and evasive on the phone and chat, and hope the other person takes the hint. This can be painful for both parties, for the one who has to behave colder than before, and especially for the rejected one, who will probably not understand why the friendship is not the same as before. But it is very far-fetched to initiate a clean breakup, one that will hurt someone you have been or still love. It is something most people like to avoid if it is not absolutely necessary. After all, a friendship can simmer and fizzle out, it can be more or less intense at times, while a love relationship usually has to end in order for a new and perhaps better one to arise. Yet there are moments when it suddenly becomes obvious that a friendship has gone awry, or perhaps always has. It can be surprising for both the person who rejects and the person who is rejected. When the guest list for the birthday or wedding is full, and you have to draw a line somewhere, you will usually notice in the middle floor that there is someone who, well, can actually be dispensed with. If you are the one who falls on the wrong side of the same line, which may not be outright unwanted, but in any case not desired enough – then there is no way around realizing that you didn’t belong in the inner circle after all. ISOLATED: Padraic (Colin Farrell) becomes lonely and confused when his best friend begs to be left alone in Oscar-nominated ‘The Banshees of Inisherin’ So what do you do? Maybe not really that much beyond pretending nothing happened, and maybe sending a little less coffee invitations than before. Because although most people feel responsible for maintaining a friendship, no one can demand full balance. If you are the one who doesn’t meet your mate or girlfriend because you feel like it, but because you have a social debt that needs to be settled, the bias has become so steep that it can hardly be called a friendship anymore. I myself have been on both sides of this friendly seesaw. I’ve tried to wriggle my way out of old or new friendships as gracefully and quietly as possible, and I’ve realized with a bang that others have probably done the same to me. Between these extremes are all kinds of twosomes, short-lived and long-lasting, some characterized by intense personal chemistry, others by shared experiences, all as one undulating and complex. Perhaps friendship is simply too difficult to handle for most film and series creators. It’s easier to fall back on the cliché: The loyal best friend, a supporting role in every self-respecting romantic comedy and cop movie, who is there to share inside jokes and deliver some tough life wisdom where needed. COMPLICATED FRIENDSHIP: “Frances Ha” is about a familiarity that breaks when two best friends suddenly lead different lives. There are also plenty of sentimentalized stories about friends “against all odds”, who get close to each other across class, background or age. But in all these stories, what is possibly pushing against the friendship is something created by the outside world. Most people don’t realize that the challenges in a friendship usually come from within. But for those who want to delve a little deeper into this matter, there are fortunately films such as “Frances Ha” and novels such as Elena Ferrante’s Napoli series. And, now, “The Banshees of Isherin.” Otherwise, there is always an opportunity to sit down in a cafe and eavesdrop on your nearest friend’s conversation and think about how complicated such ties always are.
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What do you do when a friendship isn’t as close as you thought? – Speech
