We need insight and some good moves to handle difficult, relational situations. In fact, we can learn a lot from news’s Christmas calendar “Månetoppen” and the treaty between red gnomes and blue gnomes: “If everyone sees everything from two sides, there will be no unrest and no disputes.” The saying has validity far beyond the Christmas calendar in children’s TV. If we all take the core of this with us into the new year, I think it could reduce conflicts in many homes, both related to holidays in particular, but also in relationships in general. Communication is demanding, and research shows that “mistakes” or unfortunate communication is an important cause of many conflicts. An important challenge is that we are typically far too concerned with ourselves and what we want. We “forget” to listen for what is important to the person or others we are in a relationship with. We only look at one side, namely our own. What do we want? What do we want? We repeat ourselves to the point of boredom, but often without much success. We quickly conclude that the other person does not respect us, and often use even more dramatic means to be heard. We shout louder. We do even more of what doesn’t work. And what does the world really look like from the other side? Have you really tried to see everything from two sides? Your partner will often tell the same story. Time and again he has tried to explain what he wants. And he is not heard either. The discussions end with loud notes. And confusingly similar to the previous discussion. After every game for the most part. And maybe it ends with a break in the relationship. To communicate well, there are at least two pieces that must be in place. There must be both someone who tells – and someone who listens to what is said. And we have to listen for real, not just “idle listening”. When we listen, we get involved in the other person, we try to familiarize ourselves with what is really important to the other person. We use follow-up questions and we summarize, so we are sure we understand what is being said. We are present, and do not look at our mobile phone or think about what we are going to say when the other person has finished speaking. This is called active listening. Sometimes we need help to make this happen. Parties who end up in deadlocked conflicts have often not listened to each other for a long time. They don’t see everything from two sides. They only see themselves. In conflicts, we like to talk about the dialogue of the deaf. The parties are on send and not on receive. In the world-renowned negotiation book “From no to yes”, a wise suggestion is that we should “go to the balcony” to get an overview in heated situations. It really means being able to take a breath in order to be able to step out of your own feelings, and put yourself into how the other person thinks. This is difficult, but useful. Sometimes we need a third party, a mediator, to get “listening help” in such situations. Perhaps from the family office, or if the conflicts escalate into the court system, many cases can be handled by court mediation. However, we can manage a lot ourselves, if we only know what to do. Curiosity helps. What is this really about? We often just say what we want, but we don’t say why it is important to us. When the focus is on requirements, the solutions quickly become either or. If we are able to listen for what the other really needs, it is easier to find good solutions that integrate the interests or needs of both. But then we have to ask “why” that? Tell me more so I can understand you! “But I know what she (or he) is going to say”, many people say. The question is whether you actually know it, or at least whether you know what lies behind the words. A lovingly wondering approach to each other’s expressed demands can be a great start to the new year. We can practice this at home in small ways, by asking further and taking an interest in what the other person is saying. And by starting by listening, and allowing the other person space, the other person will also often become more receptive to listening back. We mirror each other. Someone who experiences being listened to will often become more receptive to listening afterwards. This way we can take a trip and explore why it has become so difficult. Feel free to use the Moon Peak Treaty as a guide for communication in the new year: If everyone sees everything from two sides, there will be no unrest and no disputes. Good luck and happy new year!
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See things from two sides – Expression
