Aslak and Camilla meet at a school reunion. They start chatting, and things happen quite quickly. – I liked that we could go in depth. I’ve never really been very talkative, but she got me talking, says Aslak. And after just three months, early one morning on the sofa, he pops the question. – It was probably not a particularly romantic proposal, says Aslak. – I just said YES, and then he ran out the door to go to work, says Camilla. But it won’t be long before they discover that something in the relationship is off. Leaving a deep mark Aslak lived at the time as a top athlete. Therefore, it was natural to link “the shed” to this. A certain amount of selfishness is required to achieve one’s goals. The couple work together to make everyday life better. They talk about both the good and the difficult things. Aslak and Camilla have been together for many years. And says that the relationship is filled with a lot of goodness. They have two children together. Then something happens that leaves a deep mark on Camilla. She loses her own father. She only gets a day to say goodbye. Now she needs Aslak more than ever. But the support is not forthcoming. Even the man in the house does not know what he has done wrong. A serious downturn Camilla also talks about another memory that sticks in her. It is in connection with her own 40th birthday. She had been through a demanding period of illness, and a couple of times along the way she was afraid of not reaching 40. That’s why this particular day meant so much more. But when it arrived, the disappointment was a fact. Nothing happens. Aslak comes home late from work, and with him he has a milk chocolate and a pack of woolen socks from Rema 1000. – I got really fed up and couldn’t hold back the tears. It was mostly about Aslak not seeing or understanding at all how much it meant, she says. Over time, Camilla gets the feeling that there are simply things that her husband is unable to pick up on. She decides to do some research. And quite rightly… A few keystrokes and a test on the internet changed everything for the couple. They finally get long-awaited answers. Photo: Espen Bierud / news A simple search on the internet A test appears on the internet, and it is about Asperger syndrome. – I first tested myself, but got no results. I then tested Aslak, as I know him, and it was a big hit. Camilla then began to read aloud, and the pieces fell into place. Aslak takes the test himself. Afterwards, he thinks that this is me. What do we do now? After several medical tests, Aslak is confirmed to have a diagnosis of Asperger’s, which is a form of autism. – I got an answer to why I am the way I am, he says. And the confirmation was both a relief and a worry for both of them. The pair had fought against something neither of them could do anything about. At the same time, everything had changed, and nothing had changed. Asperger’s syndrome People with Asperger’s are very different, so it can be difficult to describe general symptoms and similarities, here are some: Limited ability to socialize Difficulty in understanding social rules Special and limited interests Reluctance to change in surroundings and routines Communication problems and comprehension difficulties Uneven ability profile Motor clumsiness Slow psychomotor tempo Perceptual difficulties, perceiving sensory impressions differently. Sleep difficulties Over- or underactive Taken from the Spectrum Association Two different “brain languages” Line Lotherington is a psychologist with special expertise in ADHD and autism spectrum disorders (ASF). In her practice, she meets many couples with the same challenge. Lotherington says it is not unusual for people to live with the diagnosis of autism for a long time before it is given. And that many people find out by using the internet and Google. – It’s probably more the rule than the exception, actually. The partner, who does not have autism, is looking for answers. The person becomes a kind of detective. And it’s not to label the other person, but to find something that makes sense of why things are difficult, says the psychologist to news. Part of the challenge for such couples is that the two in the relationship speak different “brain languages”. It’s about coding the world differently. Those with autism do not necessarily have a social autopilot. – Having to learn what is expected of you in various contexts is extremely demanding. Psychologist and couples therapist Line Lotherington. Photo: Privat Good advice Nevertheless, the psychologist has some good advice. – Advice number one is how to talk about this internally. When you have been hurt and have misunderstood each other for a long time, it is important to build up. Then the language is important. Then you can talk about having different perspectives, that there has almost been a culture crash, explains Lotherington. – So I would certainly advise people in this situation to gain insight into both the diagnosis and how different you are. Then you can set realistic expectations. The psychologist says that it is absolutely possible to save a relationship, even if you find this out after a while in the relationship. But how did it go with Aslak and Camilla? A crucial drive After a meeting with the doctor, the two decided to go for a drive. – I remember that day well. It was a good conversation with the doctor, which made us both calm down a little more, says Camilla. For the couple, this was the end of what they knew, and the start of something new. – I was very relieved, says Aslak, who now felt that they could see the future. During the car ride, they both agreed that this was the end of the marriage. It was the right thing for both of them, says Camilla. – There was both laughter and crying. It has now been quite some time since the two chose to go their separate ways. Today, the relationship is good, and they work well together on the children. Exhausted Camilla says she has spent a lot of time reflecting. – I think we were both completely exhausted at one point. I was surprised when I realized HOW much this has cost. – Even though the partner can’t do anything about it, I found the emotional shortcoming exhausting and hurtful, she continues. After all, I was the kindest man, who never meant anyone any harm, but then it went so wrong – many times. You can hear the story of Aslak and Camilla in its entirety in the news podcast Accident Investigation Board.
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Only after 17 years of marriage do the couple understand why so much has been difficult – news Trøndelag
