Unfortunately, death has been a close companion in the lives of many queer people. Too many have left us prematurely due to AIDS, lifestyle-related illnesses or suicide. As an adult gay man, I have been to many funerals for peers. What I have witnessed many times is that both the life and death of the person who has been buried have been marked by shame – their own shame or the family’s shame. Shame that makes grief worse and more lonely to bear. Grief is always demanding, but grief shrouded in shame is unbearable. The funeral should be a tribute to a life, not an erasure. I represent a funeral industry that may not have arranged well enough for the celebration of queer lives. An industry that, on the contrary, has contributed to the queerness of life being overlooked or left out. It is not without reason that burials of queers have been referred to as erasure rituals. The lived queer life is dozed off, a life partner is referred to as “a close friend”, and a gender identity that has been fought for in life is not mentioned in the memoir. Small steps families take in the best sense, to spare relatives or make it “easier” for everyone, help to reinforce the shame. In the worst case, it can be experienced as an abuse for those closest to them, who do not recognize the one they have lost. Openness is not only important in life. Openness is also important when life is to be remembered and honored. Fortunately, we who work in funeral homes see less and less shame in the aftermath of death. Those who led the way, stood up and fought for acceptance, have influenced how we say goodbye to our queer today. Last year we buried one of our foremost pioneers, Kim Friele. Those who went before are now openly honored even in death. Fortunately, we are burying more and more old, open quails. Fortunately because they have lived long lives and they have lived whole lives. It is strange to think that this is relatively new. In the past, pretty much all the old people we buried were seemingly heterosexual. That is no longer the case. To be sure that we do not take with us preconceived notions, we will now train all our funeral consultants in pink expertise, to increase our knowledge of gender and sexuality diversity. For we must not believe that shame has let go. It is alive and well. Initially, I described myself as an adult gay man. I have to admit that I actually find it uncomfortable. I am more comfortable calling myself “Bergen”, “father” and “general manager”. To me, it’s thought provoking. It has been 50 years since the decriminalization of homosexuality in Norway, but 50 years is not a lifetime. We must continue to fight shame. For many it is still demanding to live whole, free lives, and it is still young people who die from us because the shame is too heavy to bear. As recently as 2021, Statistics Norway reported that queers to a greater extent state that we are less satisfied with life than the population in general, especially when it comes to our own finances and mental health. A new report from the Directorate for Children, Youth and Families shows that there are significantly more transgender people who have had suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide, compared with cis people (those who identify with their biological sex). That’s why Pride is still an important celebration and celebration. The funeral home I work for is participating for the first time in what is expected to be a record-breaking parade. We want to clearly highlight the need to bury shame, even in death. When life’s last ceremony is planned, we want it to reflect that we in life are unique and different. We each choose our path and create life in our own way. This must reflect the funeral, so that the one we were in life does not become a stranger in death.
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Shame in Death – Speech
