In the summer of 2009, Oddvar Vignes was toastmaster at several weddings. The 29-year-old was known as a lively man, quick in his line, with an infectious laugh lurking about. According to the GP, he was not particularly ill. He was despondent, but not deeply depressed. Still, he tried to take his own life. ♦♦♦ 13 years after the suicide attempt, we meet Oddvar on Finnøy north of Stavanger. Here he enjoys the happy days of life as a new father on the Vignes farm. – I actually feel that I am in the best period of my life right now, says Oddvar. Perhaps not so strange; the farmer has just found love and married Marie. He has become the father of little Agnes, completed a master’s degree in business administration, and not only that: he also got a robot milking shed on the farm. What’s not to like? FATHER & DAUGHTER: When Agnes grows up, Oddvar will tell her how great it is for someone who wanted to take his own life, to be able to take part in creating something new. Photo: Ole Andreas Bø / news In the middle of all these bright days, Oddvar has written a book about the darkest period of his life. He is clear that it is not a self-help book, and that he is also not an expert on suicide, who can give professional feedback to people in crisis. – All I can do is tell my story. Then I can hope that she can give an insight, and be an example of how such thoughts can arise, he claims. “The attempted suicide – life before and after” has all received its first six on the dice of Stavanger Aftenblad. The critic highlights the uniqueness of the narrator’s voice – that it is not the survivors who tell the story, but a survivor who has gone through the whole process himself. A DIFFERENT BOOK: Oddvar thinks it’s great to have good criticism, but he’s also nervous. The author has to rely on slightly different feedback than most other people who publish books. The first readers have started to make contact; many are not satisfied with just writing “thank you for a good book”, but also “I’m struggling to make ends meet, what should I do?” Outwardly, there is not much difference between 2022-Oddvar (who loves life) and 2009-Oddvar (who longs to die). He was just 13 years younger, but just as jovial and outgoing, with a permanent job and a permanent relationship. – It is so unbelievably sad to think about now, because in many ways I had a good life all along. The only one who didn’t understand was me. Because even if everything was fine on the outside, Oddvar felt deeply unsuccessful. Life was a struggle, and the mailbox filled up with unpaid bills and debt collection notices. Suicide went from being a tempting way out, to becoming an all-consuming thought, to becoming a concrete date. JULY 2009: Two months before the suicide attempt. Oddvar and his mate have just won a sand volleyball match over two who were much better than they were on paper. – Possibly my greatest sporting moment ever, says Oddvar. Photo: Arne Nisja But Oddvar did not die that September day in 2009. He woke up again, and was admitted to hospital. The suicidal thoughts would still linger many years later. But Oddvar had in any case realized that he needed help. Lots of help – to understand and clear up one’s head. We drive the few kilometers from the Vignes farm to the doctor’s office on Finnøy. Here we will meet the man who, according to Oddvar, understood him better than anyone else: Dr. Eivind Vestbø. PATIENT & DOCTOR: Oddvar Vignes and Eivind Vestbø outside the doctor’s office on Finnøy. The doctor was Oddvar’s safe haven for several years after the suicide attempt. Photo: Ole Andreas Bø / news A deadly situation The doctor’s office on Finnøy looks exactly like a doctor’s office should look like in rural Norway. With red linoleum floors and art with words of wisdom on the walls. Both Oddvar and Eivind remember well their first meeting 13 years ago. Oddvar thought he had a completely unique story, which would shock the GP. He explained at length, while the doctor just sat and nodded. When Oddvar had finished, Dr. Vestbø said: “But this is a classic suicide story.” – And then I was pissed off! I had felt so special. Me who was so unsuccessful. I had to die, people had to understand that, says Oddvar in a frustrated voice. – Hahaha, do you still get a little angry? asks Dr. Vestbø. – Yes, I will actually be, says Oddvar and smiles. GRÄVLA GOOD ATMOSPHERE: There have not always been as many smiles and laughter in the doctor’s office as today. One of the first things Oddvar did was to release his doctor from the duty of confidentiality. If the family wondered how he was doing, they could just call Dr. Vestbø, who answered openly and honestly. Photo: Ole Andreas Bø / news In Oddvar’s book we can read about a close friendship that develops between him and the GP, through hours of conversations over several years. One of the first things the doctor had to make his patient understand was that his story was far from unique. – This was something I had seen many times over 40 years as a GP. This huge gap between the packaging and what was inside. The doctor describes the suicide process as a tunnel, which gets darker and tighter, before a door finally opens, and that door is called death. DR. VESTBØ: In addition to being a GP, Eivind has also been a university lecturer at the University of Bergen and taught at the master’s degree in health sciences at the University of Tromsø. In 2012, he received the Anders Forsdahl Memorial Prize, which goes to a person who over many years has made a significant contribution to the health service in District Norway. Photo: Ole Andreas Bø / news Dr. Vestbø explains that people with deep depression and chronic personality disorders often talk a lot about wanting to take their own lives. Even if they are in a dark tunnel, it is easier for others to see in, so that one can more easily detect suicidal thoughts. People with life problems and mild depression, who also have high social intelligence and are good at “acting”, often have completely closed walls. Even close friends and family therefore have no idea what goes on inside. – Oddvar was completely closed. Both for the world around and for himself. He acted brilliantly, and was also not in touch with his own feelings. And if you get a combination of the two things, then you have a deadly situation, explains Vestbø. “The meaning of life” In 2014, Oddvar read a long article in A magazine about suicide. The case concerned a man who was engaged, good at work and considerate in his private life. He had also given a presentation at work which was very good, and everyone was therefore surprised that he had taken his own life soon after. Oddvar was annoyed. He was also the kind of man who apparently had everything in order. Of course, the presentation of the man in the article was good. It was the last presentation he would ever give. That same evening, Oddvar sat down and wrote a column for Aftenposten with the title: “No one believes that the toastmaster will commit suicide” A WEEK BEFORE THE SUICIDE ATTEMPT: According to the plan, this was to be Oddvar’s last wedding. This time he was only a guest, but he had to give a speech anyway. He received feedback that he was very funny. The guests will be chuckling at some of the points for several years afterwards. The text was shared hundreds of times, and the feedback poured in via SMS, e-mail and social media. Prime Minister Erna Solberg was also inspired, and wrote her own chronicle in which she thanked Oddvar for his openness. In the chronicle, Oddvar wrote about the last summer before the suicide attempt. He wrote about how much he enjoyed himself, and felt that he was one hundred percent present. Everything he did, he did for the last time. – I was completely in love with my plan. That summer was actually a long party story. Finally, I had really found the meaning of my life, and that was to die. “Hell and the hedge” Dr. Eivind Vestbø has worked as a doctor on Finnøy since 1974 (he actually retired in 2018, but still has a 9 percent position). In that time, he has experienced a major development in how we as a society talk about suicide. We have gone from not mentioning it a word, to a much greater openness in recent years. He still thinks that we can still be a bit categorical when we talk about the topic. – When we hear about people who have taken their own lives, the reason is always illness and serious psychiatry. Few people are really concerned with the suicide process, which is a process that can be approached from many angles, and which is part of the common humanity. A SPECIAL BAND: Oddvar feels as if Eivind has been with him in the war. – Then I suddenly meet him at the shop, and then there are only two of us. who meet each other at the store. It’s trite. Photo: Ole Andreas Bø / news The doctor calls it easier psychiatry, or simply “hell and hell”. Everything that most people will be plagued with at one point or another in their lives. – Betrayal, bitterness, loss, grief… I usually say that life can be much worse than the disease. What we encounter in life can be extremely difficult for quite a few, says Vestbø. Oddvar nods in recognition. He cannot point to a concrete thing that made him want to end his life. It was a combination of many things: work, finances, self-image and psyche, and that instead of asking for help, he covered up his problems with more and more lies. The question he gets again and again is: Could those around you have done something to prevent what happened? He gives the same answer every time: – No. Having said that – after the suicide attempt, Oddvar has become much more bold when he suspects that people around him are struggling. Hitting the bass drum – If I feel a disturbance, and suspect that things are not quite as they should be, then I hit the bass drum. Especially with people I know, says Oddvar. When he talks about “hitting the big drum”, he is talking about asking very direct questions. – Can you ask people directly if they are thinking of taking their own life? – Yes, I have no problem with that. I can be upset about a lot, but not about things like this. I don’t think it’s so dangerous to ask and dig a little, it can be more dangerous not to ask, he says. STORTROMMIS: Oddvar thinks we must go from saying we are not afraid of mental health to actually not being afraid. – We must stop wrapping the subject in all possible “silence”, and become a more open society. Photo: Ole Andreas Bø / news On the way back to the farm, we suddenly meet his wife Marie who is walking and wheeling her daughter in the pram. Oddvar jumps out of the car, waves us off, and joins his family on the stroll. As he wrote in the column in Aftenposten, at least life has taught him one thing: “There are no defeats or setbacks that are worth taking one’s life for. I just wish someone had told me that in 2009.” Do you need someone to talk to? Kirkens SOS: Call 22 40 00 40 or write to soschat.no or.kirkens-sos.no. Cross on the neck: Call 800 333 21 or write to korspaahalsen.rodekors.no. This is a service for you under the age of 18. Mental Health Helpline: Call 116 123 or write to sidetmedord.no. Press 2 for parental care and press 3 for the student telephone on the same number. Mental Health Youth: Chattest at www.mhu.no from Monday to Thursday at 18 to 21. Tenesta is aimed at young adults (18-35 years). Acute risk of suicide? Call 113 when it is urgent and your life is at stake. You can also call the emergency room on tel. 116 117. You can also talk to your GP. Hi! Hi! Do you have any thoughts on this case, or tips for other stories we should look at? I will be very happy for all input!
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The living man who wanted to die – Culture
